It's Not All Okay

It was different when I was young. I was different. I wanted nothing more than to go out and play with friends. I didn't like being inside. I liked running around and climbing trees. I loved playing hide and seek, going to the park and flea markets with my family. As I got older, that all went away... I stayed inside more. I had friends but I found excuses to stay home. Being online was my safe haven. Playing video games calmed me down. I started having long arguments inside my own head on what to do while out in public. I became very good at pretending. Smiling outside while screaming inside. I managed to work at a few jobs and it seemed to others that I was okay. After seeing a counselor for a year and having tried different anti-depressants, I had to pretend even harder. Nothing was working. It was all in my head. At least that's what people said. So everything got better. No one ever saw the endless nights with no sleep. They never saw the tears that came the nights I sat curled in my closet with blankets over me, clutching my head and muffling the screams so as not to wake my dad. It was never noticed when I would spend hours being silent. Because I was okay. Everyone thought I was okay. I tried to explain to a few people that I wasn't. It was a cry for attention. At least that's what they said. But now I can't focus. My appetite is going and I don't want to leave the house at all. I don't want to see people. Half the time I don't want to see my fiance and start fights because I need the anger to feel alive. He understands. He knows I love him and that I can't show it. He lets me get angry and then lets the fight die so we can just sit together. I don't want to work and as much as he wants to let me just sit at home, he tells me that I need to get a job. He tries to help me find a job that I can handle. One where I'm not surrounded by people but it's limited so he tries to help me as much as he can to make it through days of talking to strangers and having to smile and pretend even more that I'm happy. But it's getting worse. I dream of sleeping and never waking up. I dream of living as a recluse and not having to depend on money, people, or electronics. I dream of just living in a house in the woods, with no one around, only using fire for light, and never having to see anyone ever again. But I can't. Because that's not the world we live in and because I don't want to take him from everyone else as well. He's a social person and he's already given up so much for me. The urge to just leave and not let anyone know where I went just gets stronger though. I want to disappear and live a life of solitude. Everything terrifies me and I hate the outside. Yet.... No one would ever know just by looking at me. I look and sound happy all the time. Because it's all just an act isn't it? It's all in my head, a cry for attention? Well ISN'T IT????!!! Well, at least that's what they say. I say, I'm one hell of an actress.... Because you wouldn't know just by looking, that I've been falling apart more and more each day. You would never know..... That what I dream of most, is an escape.... Freedom. That's what I dream of.... And I can only thing of one way to get it. But then... you also wouldn't know just by looking at me that I'm a coward. I could never kill myself no matter how much I wanted to. Or is that courage.... to force myself to face another day? Well considering that the only person I believe truly understands me is a mad man with a blue box.... A fictional character.... If you've read this far, you probably think I'm insane. And there's a high possibility that I am. But eventually...... eventually I will crumble. I will no longer be able to face another day. One day I will no longer leave my house. I will spend all my time sitting inside and avoiding other people. One day... I will vanish.... And maybe then..... maybe then, I will be okay.....